It’s A Crime Against Food, And Police Are Jaffled

In times of recession, it’s necessary to forget about Michelin stars and revert to the humbler end of Australian fare. Jaffle-Iron Chef Tega Brain presents the best examples of the economical and delicious craze that’s about to sweep the nation (keep Pop's cholesterol tablets handy)

Jaffle

A friend of mine used to work downtown at the offices of a large multinational bank. I never did work out exactly what it was that he did there. Probably not much. But he became a bit of a local legend for one reason. This man invented competitive corporate jaffling.

At lunchtime, competitors would gather their ingredients and battle it out to be Jaffle King for that day. Points were allocated for originality of the ingredients and for creativity in combining them. The incorporation of food scraps from the staffroom refrigerator was awarded extra points. Taste was the least important criterion.

In tribute to this pioneer who single-handedly changed lunchtimes for so many, and in celebration of what is plainly a genius sandwich format, I humbly present a collection of the best jaffle recipes of all time.

Some of these were inspired by the creations of former Jaffle Kings, others came from professional chefs, and one from a stoned guy on King Street. In short, there’s something for everyone.

Tropical Jaffle

The Tropical Dessert Break-up Jaffle

Preparation time: 10 mins
Cooking time: 5 mins
Serves: 1 (such a lonely number)

Ingredients:
1 overripe banana
1 teaspoon of desiccated coconut
1 knob of butter
2 slices of bread

Preheat jaffle iron until the light changes to green (with no warning at all, like a man changing his mind). Liberally apply butter to one side of each slice of bread. Visualise your ex-boyfriend’s penis. Mash banana to a fine pulp. Apply mashed banana to one slice of bread. Hold the desiccated coconut packet high above your head and sprinkle a generous amount it on, watching the flakes tumble as they go down. Close your sandwich and butter the outsides.

Place in pre-heated jaffle iron and cook for 3 minutes or for as long as it takes you to check that bastard’s facebook status update, look up any new female friends he’s added and google them. Remove the burnt jaffle from the maker and allow to cool for a few minutes. Cut off most of the ash while making monkey noises and grinding your teeth. Consider talking to a professional.

Tropical Jaffle

The Classic

Preparation time: 10 mins
Cooking time: 5 mins
Serves: ½ a retired couple on trip around Australia in a hired Britz campervan, soaking up the sights and just loving every minute

Ingredients:
1 tomato
2 slices of leg ham
1 block of tasty cheese
1 knob of butter
2 slices of bread
Salt and pepper

Preheat jaffle iron until warm or the campervan is thick with the rancid smell of ancient cheese burning. Liberally apply butter to one side of each slice of bread.

Slice tomato and grate cheese. Stack ham and tomato followed by the grated cheese. Keep the tomato in the middle to avoid soggy bread (you wise old dog!). Close sandwich, lightly butter the outside and sprinkle pepper on the outside of your sandwich. This will give you the ultimate pepper crust and enhance crispiness.

Light fire outside, restrictions permitting (no jaffle is worth getting lynched for on talk-back radio). Place in traditional outdoor jaffle iron (you know, the ones that look like a big pair of tongs). Place in fire. Wow – pretty romantic around the fire, eh? Desire gets the better of you. Cook for exact time it takes to make love to your lovely wife who’s as beautiful today as the day you married her - or in other words 2 minutes. Enjoy post-coital jaffle. You’ve earned it! Use Quick-Eze as necessary.

Jaffelo I-tal-iano

The Jaffello I-tali-ano (authentic version)

Preparation time: 10 mins
Cooking time: 5 mins
Serves: 1 Sicilian (or up to 4 crash-dieting fashion tourists stumbling around central Milan in heels - probably from Slovenia or Montenegro - so not actual Italians, unless you include Venice’s territories in the 15th century as “Italy”, but no one really does, unless you count the whole “Marco-Polo-was-Croatian” issue. Look, you’re likely to get into a fight over this anyway so just leave it – let the Sicilian eat the goddamn thing).

Ingredients:
4 slices of taleggio cheese
A handful of fresh rocket
2 slices of raw prosciutto (from near the bone)
1 knob of butter
2 slices of bread
Salt and pepper
2 knives

Preheat jaffle iron until warm or the light changes to green. Liberally apply butter to one side of each slice of bread. Stack two slices of smoked leg ham, fresh garden rocket and the taleggio cheese. Keep the cheese as the outer layer to ensure maximum meltage. Season to taste. Close your sandwich and butter the outside.

Place in pre-heated jaffle iron. Cook for exact length of a Paulo Conte track, perhaps Via Con Me (or approximately 2 min 45 seconds). Use two knives to perform the xylophone solo in the bridge section. You’re a talent.

Remove from the jaffle maker and allow to cool for a few minutes. Cut in half and eat. Buon appetito, belli!

Stoner Jaffle

The Stoner Jaffle

Preparation time: 10 mins (but it may feel like 40 min)
Cooking time: 5 mins (but it may feel like 40 minnnn….)
Serves: 0 stoners

Ingredients:
Crunchy peanut butter
Crispy bacon
1 knob of butter
2 slices of bread
1 spliff

Preheat jaffle iron until warm or light changes to green - yes it’s very beautiful isn’t it? Liberally apply butter to one side of each slice of bread – stop! That’s too much butter! Cook bacon in a pan leaving the fat on. Remove when crispy and chop into strips (if you can be fucked). Generously apply peanut butter to bread and add bacon if there is any left after you’ve had “just this bit”. Close your sandwich and butter the outside. Don’t eat it, it’s not cooked yet. Looks pretty good, but.

Place in pre-heated jaffle iron. Cook for exact time it takes to smoke a pre-pre-prepared spliff. Wow, you’re well baked now! And so is the jaffle. Remove and eat. Be careful not to get greasy marks on the Xbox controller or Damo will get narky when he wakes up.

Jaffle

The Pat Rafter Jaffle

Preparation time: 10 mins
Cooking time: 5 mins
Serves: Pat Rafter (regularly)

Ingredients:
1 frozen meat-pie
Tomato sauce
1 slice of tasty cheese
1 knob of butter
2 slices of bread
2 sweatbands

Well we’ve just messed up our body clocks watching Wimbledon again and all that reminiscing about our days on the circuit is sure to make a person a bit hungry, eh Pat? So, preheat jaffle iron until you’re warmed up. Liberally apply butter to one side of each slice of bread. 15 love. Defrost meat pie in microwave. 30 love. Strong start. Place between two slices of bread, gluing your construction together with tomato sauce and a slice of tasty cheese. (Hmmm - that cheese looks a bit woody.) 30-15. Close your sandwich and butter the outside with commanding forehand strokes. 40-15.

Squeeze in pre-heated jaffle iron. Cook for length of average rally. Expect blow outs of pie “meat”. 40-30. Come on!

Remove from the jaffle maker and allow to cool the way the McEnroe never did. Cut in half and eat in Bonds undies. Game, set and match!

Jaffle

The Oz-mosa

Preparation time: 10 mins
Cooking time: 5 mins
Serves: 1 Australian (who, like most of this country, is staring down the barrel of type 2 diabetes), or as many Indians as can be persuaded to take a bite

Ingredients:
1 sausage
Tomato sauce
1 large potato
A handful of frozen peas
1 knob of butter
1 slice of tasty cheese
Tomato sauce

Preheat jaffle iron until warm or kitchen is approximately the temperature of beautiful Mumbai just as the monsoon is about to hit. Boil potatoes until soft. Combine with a little butter, a dash of milk and pepper and salt. Blanche peas in boiling water. Bang a sausage in a pan until cooked. Prick at leisure. Insert crude sausage joke here. Cut up sausage into bite-sized pieces and combine with mash and peas until the mixture has the consistency of a lumpy paste. Crumble tasty cheese and add to the mix. Insert the paste between the two slices of bread. Close the sandwich and butter the outside.

Place in pre-heated jaffle iron and cook for 3 minutes and take a moment to consider Australian-Indian relations (not so good at the moment, but maybe after this current bout of soul-searching both countries can move toward a brighter future - we have so much to learn from each other). Sing It’s A Small World After All. Stop. For the love of God stop, and remove from the jaffle maker and allow to cool. Cut in half and eat until naan is left.

WARNING: The contents of jaffles are HOT. Eating a jaffle too fast can result in unfortunate facial burns and deformations. These can hinder your ability to successfully pass on your genetic material in later life. Be especially wary of tomato slices that can slip out and attach themselves to your chin or neck quicker than you can say, “You know, I’m starting to feel a lot more confident in the kitchen – Thanks Ordinary!”